Seriously, who farted?

I think the only thing that has continued to make me laugh is a nice long fart. Think about it; nothing is better than knowing you have a nice hot fart in the chamber and your target knows nothing of your intentions.

My mom farts like she had been possessed by a ghost. A quick bulge of her tummy, a loud surprised yelp, and out comes a masterful toot worthy of an Oscar. Then after each eruption she follows it up with "I farted" like everyone hasn't heard and been scared by it.

I think the best one of my mom's farts came when my parents had first been introduced to my girlfriend's (now ex-girlfriend's) mother and sister. We had just gone to the Olive Garden where my mom is a habitual addict of the garlic bread and salad. Each time she asked for another order of bread and salad became a torrid game between herself and the waiter, each time her winning strike was the line "I just love the salad here" and he would begrudgingly run back to the kitchen pouring more salad into a bowl. She had the tour of Italy, and now Benito Tootsalini was making a quick exit through her asshole.

My girlfriends mother and sister exited the building first, and just as my mom applied pressure to the door, and as another couple was coming through, my mom farted so loud the lady actually flinched.

It's enough to fart loud amongst friends and family (especially in the car while turning the heat up and locking the automatic windows), but to actually scare a stranger is simply magnificent. My mom acted like she was embarrassed, but secretly I watched her faux embarrassment turn in to an sinister smirk knowing she had just executed a perfect strike; ruining an evening of a couple she didn't know, and completely crop dusting her son and his girlfriend.

Sitting at the kitchen table my mother is an absolute pro at the "loud, my ass is on a bare wooden chair" fart. Where most civilians will cock one leg up to get a good rumbling fart, my mother will in some way, shape, or fashion work up an excuse to have her feet up which now props her asshole up in the right position for a loud intrusive fart.

Growing up I thought that she just was unaware of her problem. The more and more I look back at this I realize that she's a ninja, a fecal genius, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting victim.