I'm haunted. I see things, hear things, feel things, and I can't seem to get them to go away. The way the moon looked tonight I knew there were going to be something coming out tonight.
The way every star seemed to be almost the size of a beach ball, the pitch black canvass to the diamond night.
It's the mist on the road, the hole in the moon, the bent tree limbs illuminated by darkness. I knew I would be visited tonight.
Sometimes they come to me in my dreams, and I wake up to find them gone and I feel like there's no control anymore. There's nothing to protect me from the sounds, the movements, the smell....them.
I tell myself to let them go. I wish them well, a safe journey home, far far away from me, and then on nights like this they come back, and it feels like they never left.
I stopped out by the lake and wrapped up in my old coat and listened to the wind howl and bounce off of the water. My eyes teared up from the cold breeze, skin was defenceless to fight it off, the rain bounced off of my nose, it started to freeze the tips of my hair...
Its been a losing battle. This is a long road. I keep reminding myself to be persistent and good things will come, and I guess to have good days you need to have a few bad days along the way.
I don't believe too much in the Church, but I do believe in God, and I believe that he wants the best for all living things- I prey to him to make it all go away. The hard part to imagine is the fact that if I no longer want this haunting around it should freely go...and it doesn't. It keeps coming back with smell of fall, the sip of coffee, the long afternoon in bed - it's still there.
I read a story once of this fat woman who laid on the couch for so long that it actually became attached to her. Her skin actually grew attached to the couch. Maybe that's what will become of these things- maybe they're already one with me. A one package deal. Buy 1 get the next 5 free.
I don't want them anymore...but they don't give a shit.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Seriously, who farted?
I think the only thing that has continued to make me laugh is a nice long fart. Think about it; nothing is better than knowing you have a nice hot fart in the chamber and your target knows nothing of your intentions.
My mom farts like she had been possessed by a ghost. A quick bulge of her tummy, a loud surprised yelp, and out comes a masterful toot worthy of an Oscar. Then after each eruption she follows it up with "I farted" like everyone hasn't heard and been scared by it.
I think the best one of my mom's farts came when my parents had first been introduced to my girlfriend's (now ex-girlfriend's) mother and sister. We had just gone to the Olive Garden where my mom is a habitual addict of the garlic bread and salad. Each time she asked for another order of bread and salad became a torrid game between herself and the waiter, each time her winning strike was the line "I just love the salad here" and he would begrudgingly run back to the kitchen pouring more salad into a bowl. She had the tour of Italy, and now Benito Tootsalini was making a quick exit through her asshole.
My girlfriends mother and sister exited the building first, and just as my mom applied pressure to the door, and as another couple was coming through, my mom farted so loud the lady actually flinched.
It's enough to fart loud amongst friends and family (especially in the car while turning the heat up and locking the automatic windows), but to actually scare a stranger is simply magnificent. My mom acted like she was embarrassed, but secretly I watched her faux embarrassment turn in to an sinister smirk knowing she had just executed a perfect strike; ruining an evening of a couple she didn't know, and completely crop dusting her son and his girlfriend.
Sitting at the kitchen table my mother is an absolute pro at the "loud, my ass is on a bare wooden chair" fart. Where most civilians will cock one leg up to get a good rumbling fart, my mother will in some way, shape, or fashion work up an excuse to have her feet up which now props her asshole up in the right position for a loud intrusive fart.
Growing up I thought that she just was unaware of her problem. The more and more I look back at this I realize that she's a ninja, a fecal genius, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting victim.
My mom farts like she had been possessed by a ghost. A quick bulge of her tummy, a loud surprised yelp, and out comes a masterful toot worthy of an Oscar. Then after each eruption she follows it up with "I farted" like everyone hasn't heard and been scared by it.
I think the best one of my mom's farts came when my parents had first been introduced to my girlfriend's (now ex-girlfriend's) mother and sister. We had just gone to the Olive Garden where my mom is a habitual addict of the garlic bread and salad. Each time she asked for another order of bread and salad became a torrid game between herself and the waiter, each time her winning strike was the line "I just love the salad here" and he would begrudgingly run back to the kitchen pouring more salad into a bowl. She had the tour of Italy, and now Benito Tootsalini was making a quick exit through her asshole.
My girlfriends mother and sister exited the building first, and just as my mom applied pressure to the door, and as another couple was coming through, my mom farted so loud the lady actually flinched.
It's enough to fart loud amongst friends and family (especially in the car while turning the heat up and locking the automatic windows), but to actually scare a stranger is simply magnificent. My mom acted like she was embarrassed, but secretly I watched her faux embarrassment turn in to an sinister smirk knowing she had just executed a perfect strike; ruining an evening of a couple she didn't know, and completely crop dusting her son and his girlfriend.
Sitting at the kitchen table my mother is an absolute pro at the "loud, my ass is on a bare wooden chair" fart. Where most civilians will cock one leg up to get a good rumbling fart, my mother will in some way, shape, or fashion work up an excuse to have her feet up which now props her asshole up in the right position for a loud intrusive fart.
Growing up I thought that she just was unaware of her problem. The more and more I look back at this I realize that she's a ninja, a fecal genius, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting victim.
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